6 months is like a new Era

There are so many things I wish I had known from the beginning. Things that only having a child can teach me, things that are rarely dolled out in endless advice from others, nonetheless, if only I had known. Particularly sleep. I often wonder if I would have taken the morphine the midwife offered me to get some sleep when it was 11 pm and my contractions were just beginning had I known what the next 6 months had in store. The first two weeks even, with maybe an hour of precious shut-eye here and there..if I had known what true deprivation felt like, I might have said Give ME Whatever you've GOT! But I didn't. I endured those amazing 21 hours of labor, and still hold them in my heart. I had never done anything so difficult physically, and wouldn't have been able to without the help of my husband and doula and most importantly, the Lord. In moments of exquisite pain, I felt the peace of Christ, softening my breath, loosening my facial muscles, holding me.

So, here I am, 6 months later, and I'm wondering where that peace is as I battle with my babe's lack of desire for sleep. Or maybe, like me, he desperately wants it, but can't let himself give into its tranquil arms. It's one of the many traits of mine he must have. I don't see me in his face, skin, hair or eyes, but in his being: his laughter, his cry, his determination, his resourcefulness, and his inability to just let go without a constant gentle hand. He needs God's peace, loosening him, holding him. But, I've already trained him this way, in months of rocking, nursing, and carrying him to sleep..I need God to undo, just a little bit, the sleep associations I've instilled.

I'm asking Him for precious wisdom, love and guidance and most of all to embrace my baby in His arms and hold him all the moments I cannot and "should not", so that he can LOVE sleep too. But in the midst of waiting for this training and watching for His embrace, I need to be so patient. Instead I've exploaded, cried, yelled, walked away, given up. I am insufficient for this task of motherhood. 21 hours of labor is easy in comparison to finding the energy and knowledge to raise this most wonderful of human beings. I must press on-I'm not a mother for me, I'm a mother for the Lord.

Here my prayer Father. Teach me to be a good parent, a loving mother and be willing to discipline my son, for his sake, disciple him to sleep. Most of all give me patient in the quiet, endless hours of rocking, nursing, sleeping, waking, crying and starting all over again that happens ever evening, all night long and hourly during the day.

Phil 4:5 But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord. As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God.

Heb 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. 12:5 My child, don't ignore it when the Lord disciplines you, and don't be discouraged when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves

The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help. Ps 34:14